Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Monday, October 29, 2012

My newest poem, suitable for the season:

Midnight Walker

Creaking, groaning,
Ghastly sound,
Screeching, moaning, 
All around!

Down the staircase
Squeaking floor
Vampire, Zombie
At the door!

Is it Goblin, Ghoul
Or Ghost?
Screaming from
a Demon host?

No, it's just noise from my hip
Old bones on a bathroom trip.

Monday, October 22, 2012

It is so hard to tell with the various aches, pains, sore joints, muscle cramps, and other delightful symptoms of aging which ones are something to fuss about and which are just "normal wear and tear". I tend to treat them all as the latter since going to consult with a physician is really LOW on my list of things to do. I know other folks who barely sniffle and dash off to the doctor's office. There is probably some good spot in-between but it still seems to be a crap shoot as to whether the particular spasm you take to the doctor is better/worse - more or less worth worrying about - than the one that gets ignored. I feel a bit like a deserted ship washed on to the beach and slowly succumbing to the forces of nature. Lap and splash goes life at my stern. There goes another hole in the hull and off snaps another mast! Eventually only a few moldering chunks of wood will remain!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

This is how the world thinks women should look.

This is me.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

About Me?

I just read the "About Me" statement on this blog and wonder who I was when I wrote it? It doesn't sound like me as I feel right now. Mostly harmless? How about consumed with anger? How about wallowing in regret? Dedicated to aging? Try desperately hanging on. Counting every breath. Pleasant? At the moment pleasant isn't in the formula. All those nice things are part of me, I hope, but there is also a raging fury that is barely held in.

It is hard to figure out where the anger is directed. At my parents? At the myself? Certainly it gets triggered by the thoughtless judgements of a careless world. To feel it is to want to escape it, to stop existing. It is kept leashed, usually buried, hidden where even I have trouble finding it - until it gets loose.

How do I harness that emotion to make changes? Is it worth the effort? Sixty-five years have been carved and shaped by a life I've struggled to live and tried desperately to understand. The half-way point is long gone. Fighting the past has consumed my energy and my spirit. It has become so much of who I am that the thought of giving the fight up leaves me staring at nothingness.

This isn't the first time that abyss has yawned before me, gnashing its teeth and licking its lips. It is always there, inside with the anger, the desperation, the misery.

Monday, October 15, 2012


Fatty, fatty two by four!
Can't get through the kitchen door!



I just read another plea online to Stop Bullying… like it is something new. Bullying isn't just snarly stupid comments on Facebook or Twitter and it is certainly nothing new. Along with those nasty comments I got in school came snickers in the hallway and bus seats "saved for friends", embellished by shoving and pushing to keep me from sitting down. I learned to cut school on a regular basis, forging notes claiming illness. Holing up in my dark bedroom all day was preferable to facing the humiliation at school.

Those sideways glances, those giggles behind your notebooks, the pointing and tossed lines in front of your buddies, "Hey, HE wants to date you!" What? You didn't mean anything by it? Every snarky glance, giggle, and judgement was a knife in my heart. It was almost a half-century ago and it still hurts. You helped me learn to hate myself. Did it make you feel prettier, smarter, safer? It shaped my life and I'll bet it still defines who YOU are inside.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I'm fat. Okay. There are plenty of reasons why I got this way before I had the knowledge to make a choice and plenty of reasons why despite dozens of diets and losing hundreds of pounds (all eventually gained back) I remain fat.

But I am F***ing tired of the world telling me that being fat also means I am stupid. That I smell bad. That I offend their sensibilities… as if they had any! Being fat hurts my soul enough every day and I don't need the ugly comments of self-satisfied critics who point out the obvious and smugly pat themselves on the back for their virtues.

Listen folks- humiliation is not useful except for building up your self-satisfaction. And you seem to have plenty of that already. I may have a fat body but you have fat egos and fat heads!